jpryer's Xanga

A bit refreshed

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 00:13:35 GMT

The Lord has done some work on my heart in the last 24 hours. I was bitter betty, and I know that the Lord does not honor that, and it will never profit my life to act like a big spoiled brat....so, I have stopped throwing a tantrum in the floor, and instead took my requests and burdens to Jesus, and left them there. I decided that instead of crushing and violently disposing of my newly liberated hopeless romantic notions, I would give them to Christ for safe keeping. I fear it isn't the evil men out there who would destroy them--it is me. I will destroy them, but instead, I would have Christ hold them until the time is right. He is in control, and I know this. It's just difficult sometimes when I (being the spoiled brat that I am) don't see the truth. When I don't see the truth of the matter that it's about Jesus Christ and Him alone--not about me--how shocking. That he has a plan for me to grow into his likeness and to honor him with my life, bringing others (including my children) into a saving knowledge of himself. I, however, become caught up in the fog of my own desire. Not that my desires are entirely evil--all I really want is a Godly man to share my life with. A man to help me parent these up and coming teenagers in my house. God will provide. In his own time. In his own way. And whatever that is...it is well with my soul.

Never Mind

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 05:46:31 GMT

So...never mind. The quest about men...yeah. Never mind that. I have decided I have enough to think about. Men. I'll try to raise a couple of good ones, but a relationship? I don't think so. Ever. I HATE feeling like this. I hate it. More than I can express, and I think I'll concentrate on other things and leave the men alone. Yeah. That's the plan.

Just Starting

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 03:50:23 GMT

I'm just starting here. It's funny. I've been journaling for years...you know, in a small book with lines on the pages and a pen. Foreign these days, I realize, but I have page after page of journal entry. I guess I decided to step into this century and become a sheep. Doing what everyone else is doing when it comes to journaling.

So here I start a blog that maybe someone could read. I have read some others, and they have really inspired me in some ways. I've always considered myself a writer, though I haven't written anything worth talking about in several years. After reading some of the online entries, I realized I have a lot of catching up to do. I am not a writer like some others are writers, but I aspire to be. I plan to read more. To love more, and to stop being so cynical....especially when it comes to men....I'm trying really hard on that one.

The sermon this morning was about forgiveness, and I realized I need to forgive the entire male species for something they can't even help--being male. Being the way God made them. I wrote the words "forgiveness vs. safety" in my notes. Sometimes forgiveness seems unsafe, and I use the word "seems" because I know that I am not writing truth. I know that my rock and my fortress are Christ alone, not the angry walls I have so carefully constructed around my heart. Sometimes "seems" is so powerful. It's a powerful pretense that I must get rid of.

That is my journey. The one I will plot here. To forgive every male that has ever been born. I do think my sons are exempt from the "seems," but maybe it only seems that way...